The past few years have been an exercise in surrender for me. In letting go... in practicing deeper patience and truly coming home to myself by learning how to truly LOVE me. It has been a beautifully imperfect journey with many ups & downs... and victories too. But the ultimate victory lies in learning to surrender to the process and flowing with life. Not against it. Without resistance.
But how was I able to cease putting up a resistance? Well, it wasn't easy.
Over the last year, I've had to let go of so much. A marriage. A business. Friends. Material possessions. Habits & patterns of thought that no longer serve me. The last one being the hardest, honestly. I had to dive DEEP. Into parts unknown and face them, all alone. I went into the "magic dark" - the deepest darkest quietest place within myself - and got intimate with my shadow (the part of myself that hides, yet longs for more love) and ask myself why. Why was I clinging to these things, people, places, narratives, and ideas of who the world thinks I should be? Instead of just BEING who I am uniquely designed to be... flowing & thriving in the fullness of my BEING. How can I honor myself, share my unique gifts with the world, and live fully in my purpose? And what does that look like? More importantly, what does it FEEL like?
At first, it looked like burnout. I had worked myself into a frenzy. Always busy DOING, (what i thought I should be doing) and not leaving enough room to refill my own cup to restore & replenish. I was constantly giving from a deficit, energetically, and then eventually physically too. I got so uncomfortable in my life and within myself, that eventually my spirit finally said "ENOUGH". It was like having an emotional breakdown, without the dramatic flair. More of a quiet, hard pause. I didn't know what I was going to do next but I knew I had to just STOP everything I was doing at the time, get still and LISTEN.
Eventually, (after withdrawing and cessation of certain things) my intuition & will power kicked into high gear and my decision making began to change. I started to gravitate toward the things that made me feel good, and rely solely on my emotions as a gauge... an ultimate guide. That became my compass. I didn't know where I was heading, or what I was going to do, I just knew how I wanted to FEEL, and that I needed change. To feel better. To feel more like myself. To do less and BE more; ME. I wouldn't have figured this out, had I not allowed myself to get burnt out first. It happened this way for a reason. To teach me a lesson. I had to endure such an uncomfortable, painful, and weary disposition until I finally would not allow myself to do it anymore. I had to shift my entire life, and only I could make the changes needed. I had to embody the energy I was seeking. I literally had to be the change that I needed.
And I had so many questions. Questions that I asked myself, God, the universe, spirit and just listened for the answers. Eventually, I also realized that I already had all the answers, inside. As an extension of the divine, I had everything I needed. But first I had to get still, then next I had to get clear in order to remember this. This is why stopping everything in my life was so crucial. Slowing down to be able to have a different perspective. With constant motion and pushing towards my goals, I was forcing things. There was no room for flow and my entire perspective was skewed. It was as if I was viewing life through a foggy lens that needed cleaning. So in order to do that, I had to pivot and make major life changes. Which I did, one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time. Through a consecutive series of small consistent actions & decisions. I had to dig deeper into myself and find the courage to do the (soul) work and then take the needed inspired action to start living the way I needed & wanted to. I was learning how to fully honor myself by flowing with my desires and therefore life.
How we honor ourselves shifts as we awaken to new realizations and grow. But how do we begin to honor ourselves? I found that deliberately, intentionally living every moment and taking nothing for granted paves the way for this. Listening and acting on our intuition (that quiet voice within that gently whispers to us) whenever we are inspired, facing challenges, are in need of answers and/or guidance.
I had to focus on my internal relationship with myself as a top priority first, instead of my relationship with the outside world, and my place in it. Reconfigure & remember who I am within and to myself before anything else. A complete recalibration of my energy and life. I also had to learn to freely give everything I possess to myself first, and serve others from the abundant overflow. I had to attune to myself and turn inward.
Embracing our own sovereignty and being obedient to our own authority instead of constantly doubting... I believe this is the way. But before I realized all that, I was busy learning a hard lesson. So I had to unbusy myself, unravel everything (including myself) and pay close attention to the patterns and ways things were showing up in my life. The way I was showing up in my own life too. This was a difficult part along the path to healing, relearning, and rediscovering who I am. This was also the part where they say healing is not always pretty, but oh so necessary for our expansion.
When things spiraled beyond my control... rather when I realized that the only thing I can actually control is myself: I had no other choice but to learn to surrender. This was one of the hardest lessons for me, as someone who has been socialized to always push & hustle to survive. To WIN. Rather than surrendering to just be and align so I can thrive. Throughout this process, I quickly learned that surrendering doesn't mean giving up. Rather it means giving in to the process and letting go of resistance to what shows up. Flowing with life rather than against it.
When I finally began to let go of things that no longer served me, I felt lighter. I felt more alive. Relieved & awakened in a way I had not been before. I felt... more, FREE. Free from the burdens and false narratives that I chose to allow myself to live by previously. A new allowance rooted in freedom & sovereignty. BEING more, and DOING less. Flowing into the fullness of my being, unapologetically. I was giving myself permission to be exactly who Source created me to be. My true Self.
I realize now that I had to let go of all these things, in order to make space for what I truly and deeply desire. So that they can flow into my life, and so that I can flow through my life too. With more ease. I was creating space for greater alignment & expansion because what I am calling in is so much greater than I can ever imagine. That space was needed as room for me to thrive and flourish too.
One of my greatest realizations during this entire process, that came as a very powerful revelation was that I kept myself busy all the time because I was actually afraid of my own power. This was the reason I hid behind my shadow and made myself small. I doubted myself and didn't fully trust who I was. I was living from a foundation of fear & lack. Pinching off parts of myself from the abundant flow of life that is actually our very birthright. Talk about a WOW moment. The sheer magnitude of my BIGness scared the shit out of me, on a level so deeply buried that multiple deep dives to the subconscious couldn't even reveal it. It actually came to me as a quiet "aha" moment one day during meditation. Almost out of nowhere. At least that's how it felt. But I know now that when we stop forcing things and allow them to flow, inspiration and answers flow to us in just that way. Effortlessly.
The ultimate act of surrender & freedom though was coming to the realization that I also had to let go of myself. Rather, who I was. Or thought I was. Abandoning all former narratives of my identity, especially ones I told myself. I had to unravel my entire belief system. And get even more still & intimate with myself in new ways so that I could be quiet my mind even more & LISTEN to my heart even deeper. Until eventually, I became so so still & quiet that I finally understood the meaning of the phrase "Be still & KNOW". I was remeeting myself. Remeeting life. Remembering, God. Only this time anew. With a fresh perspective, without all the "stuff" that I carried previously to distract me.
Something special happens when we get out of our own way and we are able to (re)connect with Self & Source. It's unparalleled. A love so deep that envelopes you and can only be divine. And we don't ever have to earn it. We just have to allow it. It is always there for us to tap into. I think this was the hardest part: learning to unlearn to get to that truth.
All I had to do was let go. Surrender, and be willing to release everything I thought I needed, to find everything I really want & deserve.
During this journey, I've been inspired to share my thoughts with you in the form of guided meditations. Surrender is the very first one, now available, here on the site under the Wellness tab. You can hear a snippet in the video below. Thank you. Stay true & stay tuned, x!
Video by Victory Jones, Photos by @danielrosenthal & @worldtravelingq