top of page
Search

SURRENDERING INTO GRIEF TO EXPAND



Hey Tribe, happy Spring... I pray this message finds you well & in good health and ready to embark upon new energies as the season changes. spring always brings with it a sense of refreshed renewal, optimism and also excitement & more expansive possibilities as things begin to bloom. At least, that's the energy I always experience around this time of year. This is much welcomed since the last year has been one for the books, to say the least!


Seriously, so much has happened over the past year, that it's quite unimaginable to have even fathomed. It feels a bit like we are all living in some sort of sci-fi film with infinite plot twists that we did not see coming! Feels a bit, well... almost unreal. But yes, 2020 actually happened - to ALL of us. No one escaped the harrowing, mind-bending, soul-expanding energies that the year brought. It was definitely an experience, to put it mildly. I'm sure I am not the only one who has noticed, been affected by, and feel this way. *sigh* Where to even begin?


Well, I guess we can start with radical change since that is now a universal theme thanks to the pandemic. Change, in the form of what felt like a loss. But is anything ever really lost, or do things just change? Or does our attention & awareness merely shift? That may be up for debate, but something that is not is the gamut of feelings we experience when radical change is thrust upon us. Or "unexpectedly" happens within our lives. It can be jarring, scarring, traumatic, life-altering, and a slew of other things that all add up to a precipice of choice: what to do with that change? That is: choosing how we respond when it occurs. Since we always have a choice.


As many of you know I've recently been dealing with grief after my beloved pup of 14 years, Jax, unexpectedly passed. Although he was pretty old (and awesome) it was the most difficult thing I've had to experience in my life thus far. He was my best friend, my greatest teacher, spirit animal, fur baby, guardian angel, and quite frankly my hero.



To say I loved him wouldn't even begin to explain our bond. It was beyond love: he is a part of my family. I spent 1/3 of my life with Jax and he was there for most of the major life changes of my adult life. The good, beautiful, bad & ugly. He was my constant friend and companion through it all. We were obsessed with and loved each other so deeply, loyally, and fiercely. But most importantly, he was there for me. No matter what. Just loving me, and soaking up my love in return. Our relationship was so pure, true, and transcendent that nothing can compare. He was a one of one. If you've ever had (or have) a dog then you know: a dog's love is something truly rare & special. Unique & different. They are otherwordly, yet so very down to earth, it's almost unreal. Needless to say, when he left this world, I was not ready.



The truth is: we are never ready. You're never ready to watch the life drain from the body of someone you love beyond love. To hold the body as life leaves them and they are no longer HERE in the physical realm. It's beyond devastating. Earth-shattering and painful. It changes you.


When I first received him over 14 years ago, my life changed in an instant. He taught me how to be present, how to play, how to just BE. He was given to me as a gift (in more ways than one), and I cherished & adored him. I loved him instantly and the feeling was mutual. He was my best friend, companion, partner in ritual, housemate, travel buddy, playmate, guardian angel, and greatest teacher. And in his passing my life also changed instantly too... even now in death, he is still teaching me things. He was a true & pure reminder of divine & sacred love, and I am so grateful to have experienced life with him for the time that I did. In the way that I did too. Needless to say, when he transitioned, I was forever changed.


I was overcome with sadness, grief, anger, and so many other emotions that my body had to take time to process what my with my heart and mind were experiencing, energetically. It was overwhelming and all-consuming. I was overwrought, overwhelmed, and overcome by it. I was exhausted. Which was only compounded by the collective energy of the current times; and the rampant deep-seated grief that we are all experiencing as a result of a year full of so much change that has been thrust upon us, (even if it was a long time coming, karmically). I was beyond. I am just now coming up for air.



I realized that much of this sadness, grief, and exhaustion was not mine alone. It was as if I was carrying something deeper, heavier, not fully mine (energetically). A dormant and latent sadness, which my own personal experience with death was causing to rise to the surface even more fully. I was purging.


2020 was the year of endless cocoons. All of which, was much needed because there was so much breaking down, to break thru to rebuild and expand. Setting the stage for metamorphosis, all around. Individually & collectively. If you pay attention to the cosmos you know that entering into the Aquarian Age did not come lightly. 2020 proved that. Processes upon processes, that left many of us in places energetically (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically) we've never been. It was a year of "unexpected", yet much-needed revolution & growth. Especially since we are a culture that is obsessed with progress over process - the process tends to be negated or often overlooked or not as glorified in the age of instant gratification hyper accessibility and information overload due to the internet. So for us to have to undergo a massive transitional shift that included what felt like the slowing down, change & in some cases eradication of the lives we once knew of - and for many of us that meant (especially with the pandemic and lockdowns)....


Grief has a special depth & vastness that is all-consuming. Whether we admit it or not. Whether we are conscious of it or not. It encompasses so many emotions & energetic vibrations. It is its own alchemic catalyst, and we are the container. In an endless life-death-life cycle, of which we are part of. It is its own vibrational frequency. Encompassing so many truths with one singular common thread of great change. It empties us, it changes us. Dare I even say It frees us if we let it. It is the great recalibrator, just as death is the great equalizer. We are never the same after having experienced it. It causes us to embody an array of sensations over which we have no control. Both affirming and denying us as a great expression & experience of transition. It is the confounded expression of the polarity & extremes we navigate between, constantly. It is so many things all at once. part of the infinite unfolding we both observe & experience, simultaneously. But it is in these moments that we have the choice to resist or surrender to the process.


I knew that if I resisted it I would only be hurting myself more than the pain of Jax passing. So I chose to surrender. I leaned into it and I let myself feel the deepest sadness I've ever felt. I let myself feel every and anything that came up & through myself. Eruptions of volcanic and unassuming anger, would creep up and render me speechless & inert. The guillotine of guilt that would slice thru me ever so often reminding me of all the times I "could have" or "should have". I allowed myself to completely unravel. Letting whatever come, come and whatever go, go. I was so bereft with grief that I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing... and then one day, something magical happened.


One day in the midst of the vast all-consuming nothingness of grief, I simply asked God to take my pain away and expand my heart. A very specific prayer that I uttered in the midst of so much pain & sadness. In that very instant, I felt lighter. It was at that moment I realized that the depth of my grief was directly proportional to the depth of my love, and the infinite possibilities and capacity my heart has to love. And that if I could experience something so miraculous and magical as Jax and our relationship, and all the amazing moments we shared; then that means I was capable of that again - in a new a different way. I felt for the first time in a long time a sense of relief. Then a wave of tremendous gratitude set in: an underlying silver lining to the entire process that was always there waiting, reminding, and undulating under the surface of all these other emotions keeping me from falling apart. The hole in my heart was being filled with light. This was in and of itself, a whole other experience. One that I am still processing & integrating, quite frankly.



Through my sadness, I began to focus on the beauty of what I had witnessed, experienced, and lived, with Jax. I still miss him, I always will. Just as I will always deeply love him too. I am forever changed. My world is forever changed too. But I realized that I made the choice (whether consciously or unconsciously, has yet to be determined) to surrender to the pr