Hey Tribe, happy Spring... I pray this message finds you well & in good health and ready to embark upon new energies as the season changes. spring always brings with it a sense of refreshed renewal, optimism and also excitement & more expansive possibilities as things begin to bloom. At least, that's the energy I always experience around this time of year. This is much welcomed since the last year has been one for the books, to say the least!
Seriously, so much has happened over the past year, that it's quite unimaginable to have even fathomed. It feels a bit like we are all living in some sort of sci-fi film with infinite plot twists that we did not see coming! Feels a bit, well... almost unreal. But yes, 2020 actually happened - to ALL of us. No one escaped the harrowing, mind-bending, soul-expanding energies that the year brought. It was definitely an experience, to put it mildly. I'm sure I am not the only one who has noticed, been affected by, and feel this way. *sigh* Where to even begin?
Well, I guess we can start with radical change since that is now a universal theme thanks to the pandemic. Change, in the form of what felt like a loss. But is anything ever really lost, or do things just change? Or does our attention & awareness merely shift? That may be up for debate, but something that is not is the gamut of feelings we experience when radical change is thrust upon us. Or "unexpectedly" happens within our lives. It can be jarring, scarring, traumatic, life-altering, and a slew of other things that all add up to a precipice of choice: what to do with that change? That is: choosing how we respond when it occurs. Since we always have a choice.
As many of you know I've recently been dealing with grief after my beloved pup of 14 years, Jax, unexpectedly passed. Although he was pretty old (and awesome) it was the most difficult thing I've had to experience in my life thus far. He was my best friend, my greatest teacher, spirit animal, fur baby, guardian angel, and quite frankly my hero.
To say I loved him wouldn't even begin to explain our bond. It was beyond love: he is a part of my family. I spent 1/3 of my life with Jax and he was there for most of the major life changes of my adult life. The good, beautiful, bad & ugly. He was my constant friend and companion through it all. We were obsessed with and loved each other so deeply, loyally, and fiercely. But most importantly, he was there for me. No matter what. Just loving me, and soaking up my love in return. Our relationship was so pure, true, and transcendent that nothing can compare. He was a one of one. If you've ever had (or have) a dog then you know: a dog's love is something truly rare & special. Unique & different. They are otherwordly, yet so very down to earth, it's almost unreal. Needless to say, when he left this world, I was not ready.
The truth is: we are never ready. You're never ready to watch the life drain from the body of someone you love beyond love. To hold the body as life leaves them and they are no longer HERE in the physical realm. It's beyond devastating. Earth-shattering and painful. It changes you.
When I first received him over 14 years ago, my life changed in an instant. He taught me how to be present, how to play, how to just BE. He was given to me as a gift (in more ways than one), and I cherished & adored him. I loved him instantly and the feeling was mutual. He was my best friend, companion, partner in ritual, housemate, travel buddy, playmate, guardian angel, and greatest teacher. And in his passing my life also changed instantly too... even now in death, he is still teaching me things. He was a true & pure reminder of divine & sacred love, and I am so grateful to have experienced life with him for the time that I did. In the way that I did too. Needless to say, when he transitioned, I was forever changed.
I was overcome with sadness, grief, anger, and so many other emotions that my body had to take time to process what my with my heart and mind were experiencing, energetically. It was overwhelming and all-consuming. I was overwrought, overwhelmed, and overcome by it. I was exhausted. Which was only compounded by the collective energy of the current times; and the rampant deep-seated grief that we are all experiencing as a result of a year full of so much change that has been thrust upon us, (even if it was a long time coming, karmically). I was beyond. I am just now coming up for air.
I realized that much of this sadness, grief, and exhaustion was not mine alone. It was as if I was carrying something deeper, heavier, not fully mine (energetically). A dormant and latent sadness, which my own personal experience with death was causing to rise to the surface even more fully. I was purging.
2020 was the year of endless cocoons. All of which, was much needed because there was so much breaking down, to break thru to rebuild and expand. Setting the stage for metamorphosis, all around. Individually & collectively. If you pay attention to the cosmos you know that entering into the Aquarian Age did not come lightly. 2020 proved that. Processes upon processes, that left many of us in places energetically (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically) we've never been. It was a year of "unexpected", yet much-needed revolution & growth. Especially since we are a culture that is obsessed with progress over process - the process tends to be negated or often overlooked or not as glorified in the age of instant gratification hyper accessibility and information overload due to the internet. So for us to have to undergo a massive transitional shift that included what felt like the slowing down, change & in some cases eradication of the lives we once knew of - and for many of us that meant (especially with the pandemic and lockdowns)....
Grief has a special depth & vastness that is all-consuming. Whether we admit it or not. Whether we are conscious of it or not. It encompasses so many emotions & energetic vibrations. It is its own alchemic catalyst, and we are the container. In an endless life-death-life cycle, of which we are part of. It is its own vibrational frequency. Encompassing so many truths with one singular common thread of great change. It empties us, it changes us. Dare I even say It frees us if we let it. It is the great recalibrator, just as death is the great equalizer. We are never the same after having experienced it. It causes us to embody an array of sensations over which we have no control. Both affirming and denying us as a great expression & experience of transition. It is the confounded expression of the polarity & extremes we navigate between, constantly. It is so many things all at once. part of the infinite unfolding we both observe & experience, simultaneously. But it is in these moments that we have the choice to resist or surrender to the process.
I knew that if I resisted it I would only be hurting myself more than the pain of Jax passing. So I chose to surrender. I leaned into it and I let myself feel the deepest sadness I've ever felt. I let myself feel every and anything that came up & through myself. Eruptions of volcanic and unassuming anger, would creep up and render me speechless & inert. The guillotine of guilt that would slice thru me ever so often reminding me of all the times I "could have" or "should have". I allowed myself to completely unravel. Letting whatever come, come and whatever go, go. I was so bereft with grief that I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing... and then one day, something magical happened.
One day in the midst of the vast all-consuming nothingness of grief, I simply asked God to take my pain away and expand my heart. A very specific prayer that I uttered in the midst of so much pain & sadness. In that very instant, I felt lighter. It was at that moment I realized that the depth of my grief was directly proportional to the depth of my love, and the infinite possibilities and capacity my heart has to love. And that if I could experience something so miraculous and magical as Jax and our relationship, and all the amazing moments we shared; then that means I was capable of that again - in a new a different way. I felt for the first time in a long time a sense of relief. Then a wave of tremendous gratitude set in: an underlying silver lining to the entire process that was always there waiting, reminding, and undulating under the surface of all these other emotions keeping me from falling apart. The hole in my heart was being filled with light. This was in and of itself, a whole other experience. One that I am still processing & integrating, quite frankly.
Through my sadness, I began to focus on the beauty of what I had witnessed, experienced, and lived, with Jax. I still miss him, I always will. Just as I will always deeply love him too. I am forever changed. My world is forever changed too. But I realized that I made the choice (whether consciously or unconsciously, has yet to be determined) to surrender to the process, fully. Exhausted and rife with deep sadness, it was as if the grief has splayed me open, and revealed the rawest core of my being, rendering me defenseless. If you've ever heard the phrase: let go, and let God; that's exactly what I did. This was the stillest, kindest, and most compassionate I'd ever been with myself in my entire life because I needed to be in order to keep going. I felt as If I too were experiencing death from the inside of myself.
The truth is when Jax died a piece of me died too. Parts of me that needed to shed, so I can ascend and evolve for the next part of my journey. But rebirth always follows death, so I am being reborn. This I know, and this next iteration of my life is one in which, like a newborn, I am leaning into the great unknown. With wonder, as if I am starting all over (again). Fearlessly, because when Jax died, I feel as if all my fear died too. My perspective shifted. My energy shifted. My way of being in this world shifted. Yet somehow I was more myself than ever. Or rather a newer, wiser, gentler version of myself that is completely open and ready for new horizons in a way that I cannot quite explain. No fear, no anxiety, no worries. Even in his death, he is still teaching me the greatest lessons. Of freedom, love, compassion, presence, truth (of who I am), and more.
Although the last few years of my life have been an exercise in surrender, it was his passing that truly taught me how to let go and integrate the experience of great unexpected transitions. By allowing myself to fully experience grief and mourn the transition of my beloved spirit animal, I was able to use this energy as a catalyst for deep & timeless transformation within myself. I let myself surrender fully to each and every moment, and really live differently. More intentionally, slower, and more mindfully. With more gratitude, grace & presence too. It was in the remembrance of his love and in grieving his death that I became even more present, in a new and different way that I never experienced nor expected.
I learned that when someone we love dies, a part of us also transitions and changes. But we get to choose HOW. It was by leaning into the grief and surrendering to it that I allowed myself to experience a new type of flow. A fierceness that is detached from things that once concerned or preoccupied my mind and heart. My entire life and perspective shifted in an instant and have been unfolding expansively, exponentially, and rapidly ever since. Although my concept of time has now also shifted too. I feel as if I am operating within time, yet beyond it. Of it but not bound by it fully. experiencing it and observing it from a different vantage point. One that I can feel in my body. It's beyond words really. I feel boundless. Even though I am still technically having a human experience, and somewhat bound by the constructs & confines of this world.
I feel transcendent. Energetically, I feel different now. I am different now. Could it be that I quantum leaped when Jax passed? That his death was the culmination of the first half of my life, and that signaled a deeper death of parts of me that needed to be reborn too? A physical death that signaled the energetic death of a phase of my life that no longer serves me. Yet causing me to expand, elevate, and be reborn simultaneously? Well, that's what it feels like on many levels. I feel like a newborn baby just entering the world. Only with all the memories & wisdom of the past. A completely foreign place & space for me to live in that is now my new home. One built on a foundation of memories, wisdom, compassion, exploration, grief & even deeper love. Ripe with infinite possibilities, beautiful expansion into the great unknown, and even more magic and miracles than I could ever fathom.
Jax was a magical miracle, and his existence, love, and our time together reminded me that we all are; and that life itself is too. A miracle that we can only experience fully when we let go of trying to control everything and surrender the precious energy of each moment. Just allowing life to flow through us. Even though I miss him being here with me the way it used to be, I know he is with me now more than ever before and still watching over me, loving me, and teaching me too.
Through this experience, I can honestly say that my heart, has expanded. I know now my life will continue to do so too, and that death brings with it the seeds for the infinite possibilities that we need for more life. I can feel this deeply, truly & clearly. And it's thru death, that I've finally learned to surrender to the infinite unfolding of life, in a way that I never have before.
Often times when we are faced with death intimately, we either feel as if we want to also die or the force of life grows stronger within us. Grief is a strange and powerful energy, that leaves us changed. But, we get to choose how we allow it to change us. We can let the experience with death expand or contract us. Open us up to a newer found freedom, or close us off in a prison of our own design. I hope that when something transitions in your life you allow yourself to grieve, fully. Embrace it and then make a decision on how that will inform your life moving forward.
My wish for you is that you are able to take the tragedies in your life and be expanded by them. That you allow them to deepen your love in every way imaginable. For yourself, others, and life in general. That you choose to be fierce and free with that love to transcend any fear or trepidation that may have resided in its place before. I pray that you let that love be a catalyst for your expansion and freedom. Making you feel more alive than ever, and I hope that it brings you closer to yourself in ways that change you for the better, forever.
I hope that you embody all that you desire, and are able to inspire others to do that same.
What are you learning to let go & what are you surrendering to? If this resonates I invite you to leave a comment and share below, You never know just who you'll impact with your words.